Conversation Hearts

What's In A Title?

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone and you still see Valentine's candy next to those big 75% off signs. It's the best time to load up on your favorite sweets. So I'm at a co workers desk the other day and she had this huge bag of conversation hearts. You know, the ones that have all of the little saying on them like "be mine", and "it's love". Of all of the good chocolate candy kisses and M&M's on clearance, who goes and buys those dry powdery tasting little hearts? But as I contemplated the phrases on the candies, a thought occurred to me. How easy would it be if you could just hand out a little two word phrase on a piece of candy to let a person know how you feel? 

It would be just like third grade where you could just hand out the candy that says "Be Mine" along with the note with the check boxes. Do you like me? He checks yes and boom, the deal's sealed. You are boyfriend and girlfriend. You sit by each other at lunch, sneak a kiss on the playground, and then he puts glue in your hair. There is no game playing here. Can it be that it was all so simple then?

I've been in a group and a guy would introduce his female companion as his "friend". I saw that slight uncomfortable look on her face that told me that she wished they were more than friends. She probably thought that she had earned girlfriend status. I've introduced a guy that I was madly in love with as my "friend" because I didn't know where stood. I so desperately wanted to be his "lady', or "girlfriend', or "boo"… Anything that said I was more than just his cut buddy.

An interesting thing has happened though. I have come to understand why so many men have the trouble with titles. In the three years since I've been someone's girlfriend, I have come to ask the question "What's in a title?" I have gained a new appreciation for true dating. There's such freedom in being able to go out with (not have sex with) three or four guys at a time and not be cheating on any of them because you're just kicking it. Both parties can do what they want, and that's the beauty of leaving your options open and not having titles. Hey men, I get it and I ain't mad at ya. Most guys say that it's the women that want to rush to put titles on the relationship. Well I now agree with you. Why claim anyone? Keep your extra curricular activities to yourself and everyone will be happy.
 
So, I'm out here being my happy go lucky non committal self. My dates ask me what I want and I quickly tell them that I want to settle down one day, but I'm in no rush to get into a relationship. And I mean it, I'm not. I'm not sprinting to the altar, because believe me honey; sometimes the thought of marriage scares the shit out of me. I don't know anybody that's happily married. Yeah, I want kids, but they have donors and turkey basters for that.

Then guess what happens next? I meet this guy. We're "kicking it", "dating", being "friends". When he asks me what I want, and I give my little non committal speech… and he looks at me like I'm a complete nut. Then as a little more time goes on he says, "I want you to be my girlfriend." And my heart starts beating fast, and little beads of sweat pop up on my top lip and I'm ready to turn tail and jet off like the runaway bride or something. I'm terrified of settling down, or that I will miss out on something better, or that I will get bored with the same old sex. OMG, I have turned into a dude! Then as a little time goes on and me and old boy kick it and grow even closer, I see that look in his eyes. The one that questions why I'm still not claiming him, wondering if there's someone else, or if I don't think he's good enough.

The thing is, I'm no longer dating anyone else, I don't think anything better will come along, and the sex is well…most definitely not boring. So what is it besides plain old fear? It's so much harder to be a girlfriend than it is to be a "friend with benefits" because girlfriends get cheated on, abandoned and hurt. Wow, I think I just discovered a little of my own baggage. So I decide to have a heart to heart conversation and ask him if titles are important? His answer was "Hell yeah. I want to be able to introduce you to my mama as my girlfriend. I'm old school, maybe these new school guys don't want to claim their woman, but I want people to know you're mine." Well damn, how can I argue with that? I guess when you get right down to it, it's about growing up , knowing what you want, not worrying that something better will come along, and facing the fear. You figure out that it's ok to love and when it's someone you truly want, the title is ok.

Really, the title isn't important. Not until you realize that you are in relationship denial and the person that you care about the most just wants to know that you belong to each other. So from a woman that's been on both sides, take a chance. Maybe it can be just as simple as third grade. Check the yes box and tell him or her they're yours. I'm sure that's all the conversation their heart will need to hear.

Chicken Salad

Are You A Fixer?

These days I feel like I'm the princess in a fairy tale. Yes, this sounds incredibly sweet but I'm not talking about Cinderella or even Sleeping Beauty. I'm really identifying with the newest little African American Princess that's running around kissing frogs hoping that one of them will magically turn into a prince. Men consistently complain that women try to change them into something that they are not. They wonder why, when these fairy tale images have been indoctrinated in us since our mothers read us bed time stories. It's hard out here for a single woman like me. In a world of men that will never be worthy of a crown, we're condemned If we decide to take that frog and attempt to make him into a dream man. We're equally condemned for not settling and waiting on the well deserved prince.

Here's my problem. I'm a natural fixer. If I lost you with that term, then let me break it down. A fixer is someone that sees a man as a science project. I have a tendency to want to take a man that's down on his luck and show him that he can be all that he can be, I'm better than the U.S. Army. My speech sounds a little like this "Don't bitch about the thing that happened to you, let's get in there and make a plan on how we are going to fix it. Don't talk about it, be about it. Let's call the right person, visit the right office, enroll you in the right classes, fill out the right application. WE can change your life and I'm going to help you every step of the way!"… You get the picture. 

There's no harm done if it weren't for the disappointment that ensues after that man fails to become person that I want him to be. To top that, the man feels small because he can't handle the pressure and failure when he can't live up to my expectations. Many of you can identify with me here. Even some of you men know what I'm talking about, you may be familiar with the term "Captain Sav-A-Ho" We meet a person with the physical characteristics, sex drive, job, finances, car house, etc. that we desire and try to build a mate out of that person based on one shallow dimension.

We exhaust ourselves finding jobs, building credit, doing makeovers and smoothing out personality flaws only to wake up one morning to find that one of two things has happened. Either that person has reverted back to their pre-remodel self, or, with their newly discovered confidence in place they have decided that you are no longer good enough for them and have moved on to the next one. You've done all of this work to build a perfect mate, and it was all for the next man or woman to reap the benefits. It stings when you realize that you wanted them to change more they did. It all boils down to simple words of wisdom that a grimy but very intelligent guy from Detroit once told me. "You can't change chicken shit into chicken salad."

I'm not saying that people can't or won't change. I just now fully understand that change won't happen no matter how hard you push, plead, prod or bribe an individual. They won't do it because of what the neighbors think, or because you love them so much, or because society has said they should. A person will not change unless it's in their own heart to do so. When I meet a guy I still tend to want to look at his potential, but he already needs to be moving, growing and working on fixing himself. 

  If you are a fixer like me, I will give you some advice. Take all of that energy you have and work on making yourself into a better person. Go back to school, get a new job, do that thing that you have always wanted to try. Be your own science project. The rewards will be much more satisfying. As for me, I'm going to offer my help to those that need it. I will find some kids to mentor or become a motivational speaker, or hey, maybe I can share my experiences with the world in a blog. Whatever I do, I'm leaving the making of the chicken salad up to my local deli and keeping my lips off the frogs.

Snack Cakes

What Kind of Woman Are You?

Over my dating career I have been on plenty of dates with guys that have forced me to ask the question "What kind of woman does he think I am?"  Men get different perceptions of us that stem from how we carry ourselves, how we dress, and mainly what we let them get away with. A friend of mine that always has some advice to offer about dating talked about women in the sense of snack cakes. He had me giggling uncontrollably at his analogies but as I pondered this over some months, I realized that he was on to something. So I came up with my own little version of the Snack Cake scenario. Can you figure out which tasty snack cake you are?

Ho-Hos
You may know this category in today's terminology to be the "jump off". Men have come to see you as the "good time" girl. Many of us have been in this category at one time or another by choice, but more often than not we got put there without a chance to be otherwise. You may be the type of woman that sees men as sex objects, much like" Samantha on Sex In the City". You may choose to have detached trysts that don't require emotional involvement or any type of commitment from either party. In this case, in the word of Tupac, "I Aint Mad Atcha." Unfortunately, this category is also filled with reluctant nominees that can't seem to figure out why they are there. Guys have told me that there are many things that will quickly get you dropped into this category. Slutty outfits, un-lady like loudness and attention seeking, excessive public stumbling drunkenness… I could go on and on. You may seeking love from a man but only know how to form superficial bonds through physical contact. You look for love in the wrong places like night clubs or bars.

That guy you are seeing knows that you are so thirsty for his attention that you will allow him to stop by and hit it after the strip club has closed and he didn't any action in the champagne room. He knows he doesn't have to take you out in public or introduce you to friends and certainly not family. He probably doesn't know much about you and doesn't let you get too close. When he is with you, you're high on love, but the minute he walks out the door, loneliness sets in because deep down you know the closeness was fleeting. If this is you, I'm sorry, you're probably a "Ho-Ho" and the only way to change this is to examine your self worth and figure out how to raise your standards. It's damn near impossible to change your standing with a man once he's pegged you, but you can always start with a clean slate with the next one.

Ding Dongs
This category  is the easiest one to be in and the hardest to identify that you have fallen into. You could be in this status for years and never know your classification. You have this guy that doesn't really treat you like a "Ho-Ho". He can actually like spending time with you, but he's probably told you in the beginning that he isn't looking for a long term relationship. He's just looking for someone to kick it with. You, being ever so hopeful, accepts this, thinking you will convince him you are commitment worthy. He eats the dinners you cook, takes you out  and even spends the night and the two of you have a really good time, but something is missing. You may meet his friends or family but he introduces you something like "This is my friend Tina." You really thought you were more than friends, but you keep quiet because you are convinced that he'll come around. You suspect that he's seeing someone and ask the hard question. "Where does our relationship stand? He doesn't lie, he may even tell you about the other woman and describe her as just a friend… the same way he probably describes you when he's talking at her. He then says "I thought you understood that I didn't want a serious relationship. I'm not ready to settle down yet, I told you that when we first met. You are devastated and can't even say anything because he's right, he told you this in the beginning.

You see, you were the maintenance woman. You helped him get through a drought; he got all the milk from the cow for free.  Hell, he never promised to purchase it anyway. This is what a guy told me, women end up in this category when they just aren't smart to call a man on his bullshit which is why the "Ding Dong" title fits. There is hope for you because you are a marriage material in the making. Just listen to what a man tells you. If he's not looking for commitment and you are, move on to someone that will see you as a Honey Bun.

Honey Buns
If you are a honey bun, you are definitely giving off the wifey vibe to almost everyman you meet. Men don't even try you with that nonsense that they shoot the Ho-hos and Dingdongs, and if they do, they only have one time to get away with it. Guys told me that the way a woman dresses in a classy way, or the way that she can be low key in a group setting makes a woman bride worthy. An old flame of mine expressed  that the key to being marriable is to be nurturing. Nurture means to care for, offer protection or encourage to flourish. In that sense, nurturing may mean different things to different men.  For one that may mean cooking dinner, while for another that may just mean having his back through the good and the bad.

 Men always claim that they are simple creatures and a lot of times I disagree because they are an enigma to us women. Let me just tell you though, that when I posed the question of what makes a woman wifey material to more than one of my male counterparts, I received the simplest of answers. The married men said things like, "she stood by me when I lost my job" or "well we mostly got along and didn't argue that much for three years so I figured I could be married to her". I even had my BGF (Best Guy Friend) tell me that what made him see that his wife was the one was when they were at a family function, she fixed him a plate of food and brought it to him. Maybe we women over think things and try to manipulate a man into marrying us, but it seem s that the truth is that it will be some of the smallest and simplest things that we do for our guys that will endear us to them.

Women hold all of the cards when it comes to how a man perceives us.  Don't let the men determine which category in which you will go, take control of the situation.  The good thing about being a snack cake is that it's very simple to change the packaging that you present to the world once you have the right sweet filling on the inside.

Hot Dogs

Can you identify the dog in your life?

Over the years, I, just like any other single woman in the city, have gone on what feels like hundreds of dates. After running across all types of men, I had to think of what my grandma always told me. “All men are dogs.” You just have to find one whose poop you don’t mind scooping up and throwing away (I added that last part). With that being said, it’s like you have a buffet of dogs to choose from, the key is to recognize what dog you have in your midst. I have comprised a list to help you peg your man, and if you are a man and you fit one of the categories, just know that we now have your number.

The Red Hot Link- The Time Waster

This guy makes all appearances like he really wants to get with you. He calls you and sets up a date saying something like “Hey, do you wanna get together Thursday after work? Well let’s do that, I will call you when I get off and we will go from there.” Thursday comes and you wait for that call. Hours pass and then after 8pm , you have pop some popcorn and start watching reruns of ”Every body Loves Raymond.” At 9 your phone rings and its old dude calling and making conversation like nothing has happened. He says, my homeboy’s car broke down, or my cousin went to jail, or my kids had to go to emergency soccer practice and he figured that since he didn’t call, you knew what the deal was. But now he wants to know if you’re free Saturday when he’s sure he will have nothing to do…. And the cycle starts again. This will work for a while because he may actually show up for one date and charm your sox off with his fine ass. You will never actually date this guy because he’s hard to pin down... that is unless the date explicitly involves some sort of sex. Like southern style Red links, this guy may be totally hot, but if you are looking for a hubby in this time waster, you’re really wasting your own time.

The All Soy Protein Dog -The Oh So Committed- Commitment Phobe

This may be your baby’s daddy, your high school sweetheart, or your on again off again homie lover friend. Whatever you call this dog, you may not even recognize that’s who you are with. He is the chameleon of the bunch. The two of you have been shacked up for 12 years, raising kids. You have been on trips, have, credit in each other’s names, and have the same friends. As you approach the mid thirties and forties, you’re wondering when you’re going to stand in front of that preacher man. Yeah mama said "why buy the cow?" , but he’s bought the cow hasn’t he? He’s promised that he’s going to put a ring on it one day soon, and he may even propose if he thinks that will buy more time. You don’t want to lose him because he’s a good boyfriend, but he just can’t seem to take the next step. Old men say that it doesn’t take that long for a man to figure out if he wants to marry a woman, especially at 35 and up. Don’t bother with ultimatums unless you are prepared uphold your decision and walk away because this guy may just decide he doesn’t like your ultimatum and walk away first. On top of that, he will probably be married to someone else in 8 months. Like a soy hot dog, it looks real, it smells real, but when you taste it you find there’s just not any substance in this relationship. If you’re looking for a ring from this guy, the closest you may get is the one that he left in the bathtub.

Pig in a Blanket -The not so nice, Ugly “Mr. Nice Guy”

This is the guy that you hunt for after you’ve tried all of the other dogs in the buffet. You decide that maybe looks aren’t everything and maybe that facially challenged guy will treat you better. So, you go out with this ugg mugg for a few months and as you get to know him more, you realize something… He actually thinks he’s doing YOU a favor. You thought he would be safe because he’d be happy to be in you r beautiful presence. He should be kissing your pretty little feet in admiration, glad that you have smiled down on him. Guess what. You’re not the first woman to have this idea, so this guy is probably racking up. All of the women at his job confide in him about their man problems and say they wish their men were more like him. He preys on these vulnerable women when they are the weakest. He works hard, has a decent car, a decent home and he is such a freaking nice guy (not to mention there’s probably some rumor going around the office that he has a HUGE kielbasa). Like pig in a blanket, he’s just a dog that’s hidden in an ugly wrapping. If you are dating this dog hoping he’ll treat you with more respect than the average dog, you are barking up the wrong, ugly ass tree.

The plain old bun length Oscar Meyer Weiner- The perfect guy for you

This is the plain hot dog that we want at every cookout with nothing more than mustard and maybe ketchup. He’s actually not a dog at all. He’s really into you. He loves spending time with you. He’s worked through his personal issues, or never even had any. He has his head and life together and just needs you, a good woman, to complete the picture. He loves his mother, cares for the environment, hugs small children and animals and respects old people. He works hard so he can take care of home and he is more than willing to share everything he has with you. This guy may have been one of the other types of hot dogs at any point in his life when he was with another woman, but now he has settled down. He may not be too spicy, or covered with all kinds of elaborate toppings like some of the other dogs out there, but like a bun length wiener, he’s the perfect fit for you.

Dogs come in all shapes and sizes. Just keep your eyes open when you go to the buffet and realize that what you need in your life is the simple hot dog that satifies. Don't get blinded by all of the fancy toppings.

To be continued… Read part two next month and discover what kind of woman you are.

Grapes or Raisins?

Fulfilling Your Dreams

Last week I was sitting alone at lunch on a decidedly dreary day trying to pen my next blog. I just could not get any of my ideas to flow creatively and cohesively like usual. I have had several readers when my next blog was going to be posted. In a joking tone I remarked “Work is clogging up my creativity.” I don’t think anyone really has a clue as to how serious I really was.

There are people for whom I have the utmost respect and admiration because they chose to forgo traditional careers to follow their hearts to find happiness. If you’re a member of the dirty thirties, you probably find yourself daily questioning your place in the world. Like me, you probably spent your twenties doing what you thought would make your family happy and trying to reach the goals that you set when you were just a naïve teeny bopper.

I have reached a lot of those goals and been successful, but I have so many other talents and skills don’t fit into the confines of my 9 to 5 hustle. My dreams have taken a back seat to everything else in my life. Basically I am suffering from what I call the “Raisin Syndrome”. Think back on black history month when you were in elementary school and recall the only African American poet that really got any of the spotlight back then. You should remember Langston Hughes’ most famous poem that was so deceptively simple yet immensely complex.

A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

The raisin syndrome results when you continuously forgo your dreams, your deepest heart’s desires and your deepest passions in favor of money, stability to the point that you forget the person that you really want to be. One day you wake up and realize that when your dreams were big juicy grapes ready to burst from the vine you left then roasting in the heat of fear. We fear failure, instability, and even achievement because we are afraid that we may not be able to maintain the greatness. Those grapes start to lose their juice, their luster and late in life we look down and hold a handful of raisins and regrets.

In the words of German philosopher Immanuel Kant:
“God does not simply will that we should be happy, but rather that we should make ourselves happy.”

So what is your passion? Do you have a vision? I had to ask myself, if I had the power to do anything in the entire world without limitation, what do I want to happen in my life, my work, and my relationships. My vision is to be a successful and independent writer. You can’t fulfill your dreams if you don’t have an idea what they are.

The next step is the hardest. You have to commit to fulfilling your vision and set a date. Make your vision your first priority. Set aside some time to spend on it everyday and don’t let anything else borrow that time. Many of us know what we want to do but won’t make the commitment because we are afraid that if we commit and don‘t achieve it, that makes us a failure. No one wants to be a failure, but aren't you already failing yourself if you never give it a try?

Once you have your vision and you have committed, the next step is to make a plan. From motivator Gail Blanke, I learned a simple way to map this out. Imagine that you have already achieved your goal and then work backward and write down step by step how you got there all the way to where you are now. That’s it. It’s sounds so simple and in a way it is. You aren’t hurting anyone by making a plan and you don’t even have to tell anybody what you’re doing. This is the step that I am on now, making that map for each of my visions. I just have to learn to not let other things (like work stress) take away the motivation .

Now, I am by no means an expert on fulfilling dreams, but I can take the steps to fulfilling my own and maybe I can inspire someone to take the journey with me. Let’s get out there and snatch those grapes off the vine while they are still ripe with possibilities.

Bittersweet Chocolate

Looking back on old love and finding new passion

As another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, I reflect on past, present and future love. I thought of my ex boyfriend from college. He was my first true love, the first one that I ever shacked up with. He was the first one that I would jump in front of a bullet to save if need be. Thinking on that last statement, he has been the only one that I would jump in front of a bullet to save. He was the first guy that I was really passionate about.

Don't we all have that one person that made us crazy? ...That had you doing anything in the world for them... That you let take total advantage of you and you didn't mind at all. If you haven’t felt this way about anyone, you don't know what you have missed out on...and if you are over thirty, you have probably decided that you will never be that dumb again. This lead me to thinking about a current topic of discussion with my girlfriends and the question that we always ask, "Is it even possible to ever feel that passionate about anyone again?" We wonder if we will have a passionate marriage?

First of all, do we even know what passion is? This is what the dictionary says:

Passion:emotion a: the emotions as distinguished from reason b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction c : an outbreak of anger

5 a : ardent affection : love b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept c : sexual desire

As we get older (and supposedly more sensible), we start to look at men for their other qualities and not just how we feel about them. Is he stable? Will he be a good provider? Will he be there to help me wipe my ass when I'm old? We start thinking about all of these other things so much that we start interviewing men like they are applying for a job. But what about passion? What about fireworks? Admittedly,we want to feel like we did with that first love, but, how realistic is that? It's almost like bittersweet extra dark chocolate. When you see that big chunk of chocolate, you tend to just look at it and think of all of the initial sweetness, but forget about the sharpness of the bitter after taste.

At this age we are starting to sound like our grandmothers. "I know he ain't that much to look at but he is a GOOD man." Or better yet, "Don't worry about all that sexual stuff, you will grow to love him." Well dammit, I don't want to grow to love anybody. I have asked married women if they felt that spark with their husbands. The responses are always similar. They always go off on a tangent about how they were really in love with the cuties that were fine as hell and made their livers quiver in the bedroom, but just weren't husband material.

No matter what you look for, there’s no magic formula that you can mix up to insure a relationship will go the long haul. We all know a woman that got with a guy that they didn't think was so hot because whe thought that was the secret to making it last. She accepted his little annoying habits and hugely annoying habits. She accepted that he wasn't a superstar between the sheets and convinced herself that a good relationship with a good man isn't about passion. Guess what happened. He went out and found some young hot yoga instructor that made his toes curl. He went looking for the passion that she had convinced herself that she didn’t need. Is it impossible for passion and stability to go hand in hand? Are we women destined to be like the desperate housewives that I love to watch on television, looking for excitement in the arms of the first pool boy or gardener that comes our way?


Well, I refuse to believe that. Maybe passion for anyone is all about what you make it. When we were young in dumb love, what made it so good was that we gave our all just to make our partners happy. Like the definition reads, it's strong liking, devotion, conviction, not just sexual desire. It could be that as we've gotten older and gained all of this wisdom and self preservation, we've lost the selflessness that one needs to have to feel passionate about someone.

Has fear killed your passion? Has that fear of getting hurt, taken advantage of, getting used and abused made you too calculating, cold and cautious?

There are times even when we are in relationships that you don't want to give that person access to all of your heart because you fear they will damage it beyond repair. A restrained heart is not the breeding ground for deep love? Even we, as singles may be out there dating, but aren't really truly ready to be completely devoted to someone. Could that be why you haven't met that special person yet?

Maybe what we need to do is stop being afraid and treat love like that milk chocolate candy that you got for Valentine’s day. Open your heart, take a big bite and savor the sweetness that it can bring. Who can say how much passion will follow?

Too Much Hot Sauce

Are You An Angry Black Woman?

The question came to me as I watched this movie titled "Diary of Tired Black Man." If you have seen this movie then you know it's filled with snippets of men complaining about how they have been mistreated, unappreciated, and degraded by some woman in their lives at one time or another. One of the main points that the writer conveyed is that many women claim to be a strong Black woman, when they are really just an Angry Black Woman.

Just to help you understand where I'm coming from let me describe her. This is the woman that is ready to bite your head off if you so much as even think of disagreeing with her opinion. She doesn't want a man's help on anything because she couldn't depend on men in the past. This woman is never happy and she is always needs an attitude adjustment. This woman will tell you "men ain't shit." Every man that this woman has ever been with "wasn't shit", her daddy "wasn't shit", her brother "ain't shit", and her son "isn't going to amount to shit" because he is acting just like his "ain't shit" daddy. I'm sorry if this describes you, but if it does then you are probably an Angry Black woman.

For a man, dating this angry woman is like drinking a bottle of hot sauce. Yeah most men want something a little spicy, but after too much hot sauce he is bound to develop an ulcer. Who wants to deal with an ulcer just to be with this woman? The relationship bound men that I know all said the same thing. All men want in their lives is peace. They want to know that when they walk in the door, they are not going to get barked at, nagged or put down for one reason or another. They want to feel that they are making their woman happy, and because of that they can be happy as well. The sad reality is that many Black men have come to equate peace with women of other races. As erroneous as we may feel this idea is because drama knows no bounds (look at Tiger), could it be that you are one of the women that gave this man the idea that he can't find peace with a sista?

Ask yourself a question, and you will have to dig deep on this one. "Do you like men?" No, I don't mean physically or sexually, but do you respect them? Do you want them in your life for things other than physical pleasure, protection and procreation?

It's hard to identify how much baggage we are carrying from our past. We have issues with our fathers if he didn't treat our mothers with love and respect. We have anger from our childhoods and don't see that by constantly berating our boyfriends and husband, we are subconsciously punishing that absent or abusive father. We punish current boyfriends and husbands for dirt done by our exes. Basically you are thinking, "I have to hurt him before he hurts me."

People that are hurting will hurt other people. It's not your fault that the men in your life have left you injured. It is, however, your responsibility to heal yourself. It's on you because no one else, especially that new man in your life, can do it for you.

As strong women, the first measure of strength is to be able to admit when you need help. You must work on being the best person that you can be. If that means talking to a counselor to work through emotional pain, do it. If it means forgiving that ex boyfriend, ex husband or absentee father, do it. Even if it means just sitting down with your mother, grandmothers, and aunts and uncovering what events shaped them into the women they have become, do it. Bitterness can pass from one generation to the next because there have been so many disappointments in past relationships.

I challenge you to really examine your behaviors and attitudes toward men. Ask your male friends or even your ex-boyfriends to tell you what they really think about you. You may hear something that you didn't expect but may help you end the relationship killing behavior. No, don't change who you are, you can still be a jazzy and spicy woman, but not so spicy and fiery that all men can remember is the burn.