Bittersweet Chocolate

Looking back on old love and finding new passion

As another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, I reflect on past, present and future love. I thought of my ex boyfriend from college. He was my first true love, the first one that I ever shacked up with. He was the first one that I would jump in front of a bullet to save if need be. Thinking on that last statement, he has been the only one that I would jump in front of a bullet to save. He was the first guy that I was really passionate about.

Don't we all have that one person that made us crazy? ...That had you doing anything in the world for them... That you let take total advantage of you and you didn't mind at all. If you haven’t felt this way about anyone, you don't know what you have missed out on...and if you are over thirty, you have probably decided that you will never be that dumb again. This lead me to thinking about a current topic of discussion with my girlfriends and the question that we always ask, "Is it even possible to ever feel that passionate about anyone again?" We wonder if we will have a passionate marriage?

First of all, do we even know what passion is? This is what the dictionary says:

Passion:emotion a: the emotions as distinguished from reason b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction c : an outbreak of anger

5 a : ardent affection : love b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept c : sexual desire

As we get older (and supposedly more sensible), we start to look at men for their other qualities and not just how we feel about them. Is he stable? Will he be a good provider? Will he be there to help me wipe my ass when I'm old? We start thinking about all of these other things so much that we start interviewing men like they are applying for a job. But what about passion? What about fireworks? Admittedly,we want to feel like we did with that first love, but, how realistic is that? It's almost like bittersweet extra dark chocolate. When you see that big chunk of chocolate, you tend to just look at it and think of all of the initial sweetness, but forget about the sharpness of the bitter after taste.

At this age we are starting to sound like our grandmothers. "I know he ain't that much to look at but he is a GOOD man." Or better yet, "Don't worry about all that sexual stuff, you will grow to love him." Well dammit, I don't want to grow to love anybody. I have asked married women if they felt that spark with their husbands. The responses are always similar. They always go off on a tangent about how they were really in love with the cuties that were fine as hell and made their livers quiver in the bedroom, but just weren't husband material.

No matter what you look for, there’s no magic formula that you can mix up to insure a relationship will go the long haul. We all know a woman that got with a guy that they didn't think was so hot because whe thought that was the secret to making it last. She accepted his little annoying habits and hugely annoying habits. She accepted that he wasn't a superstar between the sheets and convinced herself that a good relationship with a good man isn't about passion. Guess what happened. He went out and found some young hot yoga instructor that made his toes curl. He went looking for the passion that she had convinced herself that she didn’t need. Is it impossible for passion and stability to go hand in hand? Are we women destined to be like the desperate housewives that I love to watch on television, looking for excitement in the arms of the first pool boy or gardener that comes our way?


Well, I refuse to believe that. Maybe passion for anyone is all about what you make it. When we were young in dumb love, what made it so good was that we gave our all just to make our partners happy. Like the definition reads, it's strong liking, devotion, conviction, not just sexual desire. It could be that as we've gotten older and gained all of this wisdom and self preservation, we've lost the selflessness that one needs to have to feel passionate about someone.

Has fear killed your passion? Has that fear of getting hurt, taken advantage of, getting used and abused made you too calculating, cold and cautious?

There are times even when we are in relationships that you don't want to give that person access to all of your heart because you fear they will damage it beyond repair. A restrained heart is not the breeding ground for deep love? Even we, as singles may be out there dating, but aren't really truly ready to be completely devoted to someone. Could that be why you haven't met that special person yet?

Maybe what we need to do is stop being afraid and treat love like that milk chocolate candy that you got for Valentine’s day. Open your heart, take a big bite and savor the sweetness that it can bring. Who can say how much passion will follow?

Too Much Hot Sauce

Are You An Angry Black Woman?

The question came to me as I watched this movie titled "Diary of Tired Black Man." If you have seen this movie then you know it's filled with snippets of men complaining about how they have been mistreated, unappreciated, and degraded by some woman in their lives at one time or another. One of the main points that the writer conveyed is that many women claim to be a strong Black woman, when they are really just an Angry Black Woman.

Just to help you understand where I'm coming from let me describe her. This is the woman that is ready to bite your head off if you so much as even think of disagreeing with her opinion. She doesn't want a man's help on anything because she couldn't depend on men in the past. This woman is never happy and she is always needs an attitude adjustment. This woman will tell you "men ain't shit." Every man that this woman has ever been with "wasn't shit", her daddy "wasn't shit", her brother "ain't shit", and her son "isn't going to amount to shit" because he is acting just like his "ain't shit" daddy. I'm sorry if this describes you, but if it does then you are probably an Angry Black woman.

For a man, dating this angry woman is like drinking a bottle of hot sauce. Yeah most men want something a little spicy, but after too much hot sauce he is bound to develop an ulcer. Who wants to deal with an ulcer just to be with this woman? The relationship bound men that I know all said the same thing. All men want in their lives is peace. They want to know that when they walk in the door, they are not going to get barked at, nagged or put down for one reason or another. They want to feel that they are making their woman happy, and because of that they can be happy as well. The sad reality is that many Black men have come to equate peace with women of other races. As erroneous as we may feel this idea is because drama knows no bounds (look at Tiger), could it be that you are one of the women that gave this man the idea that he can't find peace with a sista?

Ask yourself a question, and you will have to dig deep on this one. "Do you like men?" No, I don't mean physically or sexually, but do you respect them? Do you want them in your life for things other than physical pleasure, protection and procreation?

It's hard to identify how much baggage we are carrying from our past. We have issues with our fathers if he didn't treat our mothers with love and respect. We have anger from our childhoods and don't see that by constantly berating our boyfriends and husband, we are subconsciously punishing that absent or abusive father. We punish current boyfriends and husbands for dirt done by our exes. Basically you are thinking, "I have to hurt him before he hurts me."

People that are hurting will hurt other people. It's not your fault that the men in your life have left you injured. It is, however, your responsibility to heal yourself. It's on you because no one else, especially that new man in your life, can do it for you.

As strong women, the first measure of strength is to be able to admit when you need help. You must work on being the best person that you can be. If that means talking to a counselor to work through emotional pain, do it. If it means forgiving that ex boyfriend, ex husband or absentee father, do it. Even if it means just sitting down with your mother, grandmothers, and aunts and uncovering what events shaped them into the women they have become, do it. Bitterness can pass from one generation to the next because there have been so many disappointments in past relationships.

I challenge you to really examine your behaviors and attitudes toward men. Ask your male friends or even your ex-boyfriends to tell you what they really think about you. You may hear something that you didn't expect but may help you end the relationship killing behavior. No, don't change who you are, you can still be a jazzy and spicy woman, but not so spicy and fiery that all men can remember is the burn.

The Incredible Edible…Rotten Egg?

Why Do Women Love Bad Boys?

It may be a guy that has done his share of jail time like NFL star Michael Vick or rapper T.I. It may just be a fictional character like 'Stringer' played by Idris Elba on "The Wire" or mob boss Tony Soprano. He could be a reformed drug addict that's now playing the newest super hero "Iron Man " Robert Downy Jr. It doesn't matter what they have done, we still love them. Yes, what I'm talking about here is how we women love the "Bad Boys".

The question was posed to me while I was out to lunch with a gaggle of lovable "Good Guys". The answer tumbled effortlessly from my lips without pause. "Bad Boys know how to put it down in the bedroom. I want somebody that can turn his hat to the back and keep the work boots on while he turns me out" I said with a grin. Of course they argued with me, each man with a smirk on his lips ready to defend his own sexual prowess. Really, I do know that this is a blanket statement, but this is the perception that many women have. I challenged them to go take a survey asking women about the guy that gave them best sex they had ever had. I would bet my shoe fund money that the majority of women's answers will not be that it was Milton from IT. Most likely it was Milton's younger brother Malik that never had any recordable income and has a tattoo on his neck. He thought dressing up meant putting on a clean wife beater (white undershirt), and is now in the state pen. Malik, or any guy like him, could have a woman strung out for weeks, months, or even years before they realized he was no good. Out of the dozens of men out there, why are women lusting and foaming at the mouth for these rotten eggs?

I did a quick little survey of the chicks I know and got a common answer. I hate to give credence to what is now a very common and over used word, especially in the hip hop community, but almost all of them said that it's all about SWAGGER. This is not a new term, but it has been modified to get the definition that we know today. Here is the classic definition from Merriam Webster's online dictionary:

Swagger

Date: circa 1596

1 : to conduct oneself in an arrogant or superciliously pompous manner; especially : to walk with an air of overbearing self-confidence

2 : BOAST, BRAG- to force by argument or threat : BULLY

And more recently From the Urban Dictionary:

Swagger - to move with confidence. How one presents him or herself to the world. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation. It can be shown in the person's walk, talk and or dress.

See, that Bad boy that you run across does not have any problem approaching you at a bar and buying you and your friend drinks when other Good Guys are standing around waiting for women to approach them. The Bad Boy loves being the aggressor. He is usually the one that is willing to pursue you with the most vigor. You have no doubt that it is you that he wants. He expects you fall for him because he is attractive or powerfully built. They don't expect you to be hung up on what their job is or what college they attended because this is about pure male virility. Bad boys have what is perceived as confidence, self- assuredness, as some would say they possess the big "cahones".

A bad boy will let everyone on the block know that you are his girl, his main woman, his bitch; and the other dudes better not mess with you. Some of us secretly smile inside to think we may be the Bonnie to his Clyde. The Bad boy will tell you he will steal and kill for you because you are his to protect. He may even be jealous and possessive, but deep down, you think that means he loves you. He will stand up for you just as he doesn't let anybody talk down to him. He may be the hardest of his homeboys but can somewhat let his guard down with you. Like MC. Lyte said it a decade ago:

Evil grin with a mouth full of gold teeth
Startin' beef is how he spells relief
Actin' like he don't care
When all I gotta do is beep him 911 and he'll be there
Right by my side with his ruffneck tactics…
…I need him and I want him so I gotta get a ruffneck!

~from the song Ruffneck by M.C. Lyte

Let's look at history. Maybe it stems from prehistoric times, before men were separated into classes based on money or education and animal instinct ruled our actions. I'm speaking of the times where the alpha male was the leader of the tribe and he got first dibs on the food, the land and most importantly the women. He chose which woman would be the lucky vessel to carry his seed and pass his genes on to the next generation. If another man wanted to take his place as the head, they would fight to the death to be the leader. This meant that alpha male was usually the biggest, baddest mutha-(shut yo' mouth) in the tribe. He had to protect the women, lead the tribe to the best food sources and challenge any other male that had a problem with it. And the women, they were falling all over themselves to get knocked over the head and drug by their hair for just the opportunity to carry that caveman's babies. There you go…the Neanderthal man was the first ruffneck: the first bad boy.

Every woman loves the feeling of knowing that her man is respected, envied, or even feared by others? What woman wouldn't fall in love with being loved that fiercely? So it seems that the answer to the question, what it boils down to, is the passion. It just feels so good when that Bad Boy turns all of his charm and attention on you and you get to be by his side. He is passionate about you, his family, his friends and his territory. It's so exciting, you feel daring and spontaneous. Yeah as we grow wiser from experience, we know that the volatile relationship that comes along with being with a Bad Boy isn't what is good for us in the long run. But we all still can remember the fun times that we had with that "Hood Figga".

I guess sometimes, we fail to realize that when it comes to bad boys, those same things that attract us will eventually turn us away. "Oh gir,l RayRay is so spontaneous and unpredictable. I don't ever know what we are going to do from one day to the next. I just love it" will eventually turn into "Girl, old sorry behind RayRay has stood me up again and left me here with these kids. He is so unreliable and unpredicatlbe that I can't depend on him to be here." Yeah he will get his hustle on, but that third time you have to put your house up to bail him out of jail, it may not seem so endearing.

We do realize that the traits that we want in the bad boys can be had in any good man. As mature women, we are trying to find that Good Guy that has a little edge or some ruffneck tendencies in him. We want one that will love us fiercely without all of the drama. We want the guy that will still kill for us and the babies if he has too, but that can also cover that tattoo on his chest with a button down shirt and take his bad ass into the office on that legal hustle. No you may not get the dope boy attitude, but there is the real man out there that is willing to get his daily hustle on to take care of you. There is the man that may be wearing those khaki pant and hard bottom shoes and still let the guys know that they better not try to infringe on his territory. The difference is, he may call you his wifey, or his lady or his woman but he won't call you his bitch because he has more respect for you than that.

So that "lame" guy that's been in love with you for the past three years may not look like your favorite gangsta rapper or rocker bad boy, but maybe you can give him a chance to show you what he's all about. He just might surprise you. Milton from IT may just want to invite you over to show you his gun collection. That passion that you are looking for may be hidden behind that tie and those glasses. Like those good guys said, they can hold their own in the bedroom too.

As for the bad eggs, it may be fun having them around for a while, but eventually they will stink up the place and you will have to get rid them. Besides, good eggs make much better omelets.

Personal Pan Pizza for 5

What’s So Great About Monogamy?

All men cheat and I can see why. Now I have your attention. Some men will be upset because they haven’t cheated (or at least haven’t done it this year.) I have had my grandmother tell me that all dogs are going to chase the cat. One of my male friends says, with all seriousness, that all men will cheat if put in the right (or wrong) situation. But I can take the other side of this too. I know women that have cheated and are still cheating. They just haven’t been caught yet. So I won’t discriminate, men and women all over the world are getting some on the side.

Just look at the news. Men, you must admit, will do it no matter what the consequences are, no matter how much alimony they will have to pay (think Michael Jordan), no matter the risk to their own life (like Steve McNair), no matter that they can lose their position of power (think Bill Clinton or Gov. Eliot Spitzer), no matter that they are supposed to be looked upon as a spiritual leader (think Jessie Jackson). There is nothing that can defeat the power of the P. If more women would realize that, they wouldn’t be getting dogged out by these men in the first place.

I could list reasons why folks cheat all day long and not have a complete list. It could be for selfish reasons, physical pleasure being the main one. Some may argue that it’s all biological; we humans are programmed to always be on the hunt for the mate with best reproducing genes. “Hey, my husband’s genes are good, but he is looking much better in his jeans over there!” But I digress…

Are humans even meant to be monogamous in the first place? Some arguments will say man and woman are supposed to be one for one, joined by a covenant as it is in many religious codes. That being said, there are close to forty instances of polygamy documented in the bible. The book of Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:15–17) even details how you should handle your two wives and the first born. Technically, if you are married to all of the people you have sex with, is that infidelity?

Scientists say that humans are part of the animal kingdom and that mating for life isn’t natural. It was previously thought that some species, especially birds, practice monogamy but some genetic testing has proven that, though some animals such as penguins mate for a very long time, they still have sex outside the pairing. I guess those little penguins have a little more than just some “Happy feet”. Is this not the same case as with humans?

Social codes make multiple partners morally unacceptable, yet we all know someone that is cheating on a husband or wife and they aren’t getting stoned by a mob of angry do-gooders? Marriage is hard because it takes so much compromise and discipline to be successful. A huge percentage of marriages or relationships ended on the basis of infidelity. You are denying yourself of one of the most primal urges in your being, to express yourself and affection through the physical with other human beings. You are essentially beating the passion and joy out of two people by forcing them to only see each other naked for the next fifty years. The only thing that is better than sex with one person, is sex with a new person.

Monogamy could be a thing of nurture vs. nature. If you were raised in another culture, would it just seem natural to have more than one husband or wife without the societal stigma that has been bred into you to feel that this is wrong? If you were a different religion, would you have the jealousy and possessiveness that comes along with sharing partners? It would just be a part of the norm.

I was having drinks with a male associate of mine and we got onto the topic of polygamy. He made a good point, many of us are living with polygamous relationships anyway when our mates have a little something on the side. Why not have it out in the open where we can make a conscious decision to participate instead of lying and cheating all the time? He went on to tell me about some book about a polygamous tribe somewhere in Africa that practiced polyandry (women have multiple husbands.)

I gave this serious thought that night and it seemed like a great idea. I was getting ready to pack my bags, rent my house out and head to the Mother land to claim my five husbands. I’ve dreamed of all of the things that a husband could take care of for me, like car maintenance, lawn care, spider killing and most importantly, paying half of the mortgage. I haven’t even thought about love and sex and all that…but man, if I could have five husbands, look at the possibilities. Five incomes in one household and we could get us a mansion out in some Atlanta suburb and be balling out of control. Different exotic moves to try with each man and no one being upset. Financial freedom and less worries. It’s all a woman could dream of…big *sigh*.

Snap back to reality here. Five husbands and I would never get access to the remote control. We would always be watching ESPN and there would be dirty socks and stinky drawers all over the place. The worst of it is that my five hubbies would soon tire of being with only one woman. It would be like trying to share a personal pan pizza with five other people. Yeah, you could cut it up and small pieces so everyone could share, but everyone in that situation will leave the table hungry. This would lead to being concerned with five cheating husbands instead of one.

These open relationships seem like a proverbial horn of plenty, but what problems would it cause? Sexually transmitted diseases are already rampant, imagine if it were OK to be with as many men and women as you wanted to for the rest of your life. How many men could really keep up with the sexual demands of a harem of women without overdosing on those little blue pills? More than that, how many men could afford to house, feed, and clothe six wives and thirty two kids? We aren't in some third world country where you grow your own food. Imagine all the confusion it would create for the kids if they had to deal with five dads and five different parenting styles. And who’s to say you won’t really go to hell for having your open relationship?

Needless to say, I’m not looking for five husbands. It’s hard enough just finding one anyway. I think I will take my chances and hope for a monogamous relationship and not have to fight with my husband's other wives over quality time. I don’t think I’m ready to be a concubine just yet.

If I can make my personal pan pizza a supreme, filled with lots of exciting new toppings and tasty flavors, I think I can keep my man’s hunger satisfied. Hopefully he will bring enough to the table to keep me full and prevent me from looking for a slice someone else’s pizza.

Birthday Cake

The Men Are Right, Women Don't Know What They Want

I was at a friend's house listening to her happily describing the new love interest in her life. It was funny that she talked about how fine he was and how good her made her feel in one breath, only to hear her spout off the reasons why she shouldn't have even given him a chance in the next breath. I step into the kitchen and there, on the counter, I spot some homemade confection covered in rainbow sprinkles. I ask "Where'd you get this cake?" My mouth drops as she tells me how she baked it for her lover boy's birthday. That's somethng that you only do for "Yo Man". Now that just takes the cake…literally. We had just had numerous discussions about not jumping into relationships without thoroughly examining every angle from finances to commitment issues.

All of my single friends, whether divorced or never been married, have all discussed how the next time they fall in love it will be a rational decision with a little lust thrown in to make it keep it interesting. Now this woman, whom I would not call a regular Julia Child, is whipping up tasty treats in the kitchen for someone solely based on the fact that he makes her feel good. What happened to rational? Hey, I'm not a hater so what the heck. If this new love is doing things good enough to inspire Betty Crocker, who am I to knock it?

In my dating escapades, I ponder over what it is that I'm really looking for in a mate. What's going to be the magic ingredient that makes me say "This is the one"? I'm expecting a feeling like something taking over my body requiring an exorcist when really it could be something a little more subtle like heartburn. Will the decision be mostly ruled by my rational brain or will I be lead by my heart?

I know what I wish would happen. I want to be in my favorite restaraunt or coffee house and suddenly the finest guy with the most perfect smile will notice me from across the crowd. Our eyes would lock and harps would play. And as a shiny golden aura surrounds this form, a voice from above would boom loudly. "He is the one my child, Go forth and produce the fruit of your loins"… Oh Please, If only it were that easy, I could use a little help here.

I sprinted through my twenties tied up in two long relationships that ultimately landed me on the plot in single-ville that I now occupy. I was following my heart (and loins I'll admit) in both of those involvements. They weren't all bad. Anyone with an ounce of wisdom learns from every relationship, good and bad. But now as I trot along in my thirties, I am warring with myself every time I cross paths with someone new. I am now gun shy when it comes to love, when before, I was a trigger happy bandit willing to take chances. I'm hesitant about giving out my number in fear that I will regret it later because the guy is too annoying. I feel bad for not giving the cutie at the car wash my number because he was washing the cars, but then complain about how these corporate types tend to be arrogant assholes. Maybe I'm one of the women that men complain about all the time. You know, the ones that don't have a clue what they want in a man.

There's a guy that I met over a year ago that is perfect for me on paper. Our heads are in the same place, our finances are on the same page. He has a car, a house, a job, he cuts grass on the weekends and rides his motorcycle in his spare time. We have great conversation and similar senses of humor but the chemistry in the bedroom... hey it could be better. So he's still there in the fringes, being a friend. But I ask myself, isn't he everything I'm looking for? There are times that I think I may just be making excuses becasue I'm scared that it will fizzle into nothingness later. Can I really complain that there are no good men out there when I really do know a couple of really great guys, that I'm just not sure are right for me.

I look around me at what my other single female and male friends are doing, and see every scenario that you can imagine. One friend tells me that she is going to take a chance on love and let her online lover move in. Another associate said that she did not marry her baby's daddy because his credit was bad. One of my male buds that could be labeled a player, has decided to move one of his women in to share an apartment. All of these developments have made me ponder two things. What is it that I'm really looking for when it comes to love and am I willing to take the risk?

So, with a nudge from a friend, I have challenged myself to do a little exercise and I recommend that you, boys and girls, give it a try. Get a sheet of paper and write down the ten to twenty main things that you are looking for in a mate. Now this is the time to be really deep here and truly think about what the deal breakers are. Leave off all the shallow stuff like, he or she has to dress certain way, or drive a BMW unless it is indeed a deal breaker. Think hard about what traits you would want in a husband or wife for the next fifty years. Consider what kind of mother or father you would want to have for your children.

Here's part of my list:

1. Honest/ Integrity
   


2. Hardworking
   


3. Loyal
   


4. Good with money
   


5. Spritual
   


6. Close to family/ family oriented
   


7. Ambitious
   

Now after you have your list written, think of your past relationships or people that you have dated and put them to the test. How do they hold up? How many items were you able to check off for your last lover? My guess is that many of them won't even meet half of the things that you want and that is probably why you let them go. Or if they got a lot of check marks, circumstances kept you from making a long relationship happen. After you do this, think back through those past loves again and see if there are some things that need to be removed from your list or even added. I found that the list that I had in my head changed a little when I actually wrote it out and thought about the men in my life. Some of the things that I thought were so important didn't really seem to be so in the big scheme of things. Then again, after my last relationship I had to add a few that weren't there before.

When I looked at some of my past loves, I realized that it wasn't the type of job that they had or the amount of money that they made that lead to the end of the relationship. The culprit was the lack of one of those main ingredients that are important to me. If he's a hard worker or ambitious, then his job will probably be ok. If he has integrity then he probably won't always be trying to get something for nothing or use you to get what he wants. If he's close to his own family, he probably wants one of his own.

Of course there is no magic formula for anything. All types of circumstances and personal experiences color the judgements that we make. Sometimes we don't have the right person in our lives even when we know what we want because we aren't in the right place ourselves to be able to recognize that they are there. Or sometimes, we just have so much other drama going on that there is not room for Mr. or Mrs. right. I know that I have been there. So maybe it would be a good idea to look at your list and see if you can truly check those items off on the list for yourself. A little self reflection is always a step in the right direction.

I truly hope that I have prepared myself for what it is that I am looking for in a mate. I truly believe that I have come to a point in my life where I can get all of the check points on someones list. I hope that my past hurts wont keep my heart from making the leap when it's time.I hope that my heart and my rational brain can come together with a little bit of guidance and see the match for me when he crosses my path.

I can only dream that he will look and sound a lot like Ice Cube (the man of my dreams)...but that's just icing on the birthday cake.

Box of Chocolates

Lolah's Guide to Internet Dating for the Ladies

I am an internet dater and there ain't no shame. Online dating gives you access to quadruple the amount of potential dates than you would run across in the grocery store or gas station. Anytime I'm kinda bored, I can just go online and chat with someone for a few days and boom, I have a date lined up for Saturday night. I am lucky because I haven't had any dates from hell, but with the increased number of dates you get, you are bound to get a few duds. Either way, dating is like getting one of those huge five pound boxes of chocolates. There are lots of pieces to choose from, but only a few of which you like after taking a bite and figuring out what's inside. There are some things that I have learned in my dating quests, so I want to share those morsels of wisdom with you. So if you're ready to give internet dating a try keep an open mind and get online.

1. Be Smart &Safe. This is the most important thing to remember. Do not let a date know where you live from the start. If you decide to meet, do so in a public place such as a bookstore or coffee shop. Drive your own car and meet at a reasonable time, daylight works best for an initial meeting. Let friends or family know that you are going to meet someone and give them as much information as you have. I have even met someone and taken a picture of their license plate with my phone and sent it to a friend. Also, give your friend a call when the date is over so you are accounted for. And with identity theft on the rise, do not ever give out personal information like your SSN# or credit card information.
   

   
   

2. Google is your friend. Type your new chat buddy's name into the search engine and see what comes up. I did this once and the guys name popped up in a wedding page announcing his engagement and telling me where the couple was registered for the pending nuptials. Another friend of mine did a search and the man came up in the registered sex offenders' database. Some states now have their public records online so you can find marriage licenses, warrants, and pending court date info. And ladies, you may want to type your own name in and see what comes up too…
   

   
   

3. Be unique. When creating your profile, say something interesting and be concise. Tell them what you did this weekend or how you had a blast on your vacation to Europe. Nobody will read an essay on your life story that looks too long. 95% of men are visual and will only look at your picture and not read what you have to say anyway. The other 5% that take the time to read are genuinely interested in your mind…maybe.
   

   
   

4. Keep the pictures up to date. Do not post our high school picture where you were 50 pounds smaller. Your feelings will be hurt if you have talked to this guy and arranged a meeting only to have him drive off without a trace once you get your big lying ass out of the car. People like all kinds, no matter how you look someone can appreciate it so be honest. A clear close up shot of your face along with a shot that captures your whole body works best. No picture at all will get few responses.
   

5. Modest and tasteful go a long way. If you are seriously looking for someone who isn't just interested in your physical attributes, then you shouldn't post the picture that your ex took of you in that red teddy on Valentine's day. Yes you will get plenty of hits and loads of messages. But I guarantee you they will be from the types of pervs that will want to come to your house tonight and get a little sweet thing without passing go or collecting the 200 bucks. Some sites screen your pictures first and will not let you post anything showing nips anyway.
   

   
   

6. No pic, no click. Pictures are important. Do not respond to men that do not have pictures of themselves posted. No matter how well his profile reads, no picture is a cause to be suspicious. Now if he has only been a member of the site for a week, you can request that he post a picture (don't fall for the "I will send you one on your phone" line.) If he has been a member of Match.com since 2004 and still doesn't have a picture, he is definitely hiding something. He probably looks like Jabba the Hut or doesn't want anyone he knows to know he has a profile out there.
   

   Along with that, look at the clues the pictures give you. If he has 37 pictures of himself flexing with his shirt off, he is probably really into himself and may be self centered. Think about it. If all the pics look like they were family portraits that he cropped, or there's a woman's hand on his shoulder but the person is cropped out, what could that mean? If all of his pics are in front of those airbrushed club backdrops, what does that tell you? If he only had group shots of him and his homeboys, can that tell you something? Of course it may not mean anything definite, but keep your eyes open.
   

   
   

7. Read his profile. Though the picture is important, read what he had to say. Men do tend to be a little less wordy than women, but look for originality. Profiles that say genuine things that give you insight to the person are better than the old stale lines. Some things like "I have a passion for coaching pee wee football" or "I really enjoy going to the lounges and listening to live jazz" sound genuine. Statements like "I like to take walks in the park", or "I like romantic candle lit dinners" do not. I have been on lots of dates and have not once even driven past a park, much less actually gotten out and walked in one. And candle lit dinners…Please.
   

   
   

8. Meet sooner than later. You should talk by chat, email and phone before you meet. It's easier to lie in writing and hearing the voice can tell you a lot, but don't underestimate the one on one meeting. You can waste a lot of time talking to someone and falling in love with their phone persona, only to discover there's no chemistry or attraction in person. Much worse is if you meet and find out that it was their cousin's picture that they had posted.
   

   
   

9. Be wary of long distance. I agree that the internet makes the world smaller, but it also makes it easier to live a double life. Some men are looking for someone in another state so that when they visit you they eliminate the worry of bumping into someone they know like their wife and kids. It is true that love knows no bounds, but neither does lying, cheating or just plain old doggishness. If you do find the man of your dreams and in Cali and you are in Florida, let him come to your city first. That way he is on your turf and you know the surroundings. Plus you have access to your friends and family if something happens. Most definitely, he should stay in a hotel, not your house.
   

   
   

10. Questions and context clues. Ask loads of questions. Some may seem obvious, but ask anyway. Are you married? How many children do you have? Are you legally employed full time? Do you live alone? What are you looking for on this site? Most men will at least tell you what they are looking for. If you are looking for a hubby and he says he is just looking to meet new friends to have fun with, there probably won't be wedding bells in your future.
    

    
    

11. Don't be afraid to make a small investment. You don't have to break the bank either. Free sites like PlentyofFish.com have lots of great search and screening features. Sites like BlackPeopleMeet.com charge a monthly fee. I have met people on both types of sites, but I have had better dates on the pay sites. It seems that people that are willing to pay a little money are a little more serious about really meeting someone.
    

    
    

Now ladies you are armed with the tools to take on a new adventure in the world of online dating. Look at it as expanding your horizons and removing the barriers to letting love find you. If nothing else, it can be fun, or you may just meet the man of your dreams. I know a few people that have met their spouse online. Have a positive attitude.

Like Forrest Gump said, with this box of chocolates "You never know what you're gonna get."

Bologna Sandwich

Will You Consider Dating Another Race?

I haven't eaten bologna since I was a grade school girl. My mom used to tell me to go into the kitchen and make myself a sandwich when I was bugging her for snacks during summer vacation. If I wanted to be fancy, I would take that bologna and cut some slits in the side to keep it from curling up and fry it up in a pan. Back then that was good eating, but for some reason, the taste of that bologna, fried or otherwise, just started to turn me off. Now, you are probably wondering where this is going.

Some of you may be offended by this. I am not going to be politically correct with the next statement so be warned. I have never really been a fan of white men. Somewhere, a long time ago, someone either live or on T.V. made a joke that said something to the effect that white men smell like bologna. Well I’m ashamed to say this, but I really bought into that idea. Yes I went to school with people of all races, had a Caucasian roommate and currently work with people of all ethnicities. I will admit that I don’t have any lingering scent of bologna wafting over my cubicle walls. It’s just an idea that has always made the thought of being intimate with anyone other than a black man unappealing.

Aside from that, I will be frank and tell you that I am just not attracted to men of other persuasions with the same intensity that I have for my brothers. I’m in love with my own beautiful brown skin so I find it only natural that I’m attracted to another’s whose smooth mocha almond fudge skin looks just as sweet. I have never really been open minded to interracial dating...well let me qualify that statement. I don't think that I have had a problem with other people dating someone of a different race. It's just that my own preference has been to date men of color. In all of my dreams where Prince Charming charges in to rescue me on the proverbial white horse, the prince always sported a high top fade...ok these dreams were back in 6th grade, but you get the point. My husband was always going to be a tall dark Hershey Bar and we were going to make little Hershey kiss babies and live happily ever after.


Interestingly enough though, these days we are faced with what I’m sure you have heard many women call the “man shortage”. There just aren’t that many available Prince Charmings roaming around and if they are, half of them don’t even own horses.

A few weeks ago a group of us friends got together to discuss relationships between men and women. Of course there was much debate and disagreement between the men and women in the group on damn near every topic we touched. The men refused to believe that there is a man shortage. They say we think there’s a shortage because we are just too damned picky. We women say that if you just look at sheer numbers in Atlanta you will see that there really is a mathematical shortage by the time you subtract the switch hitters and the convicts.

Anyway, one female in the group said that she was open to dating any race. It’s needless to say that this topic is pretty taboo in our community. We don’t like to broach the subject of interracial dating. The men in the group definitely were not going to chime in on this one. No black man in his right mind would dare speak of dating anyone other than a sista among a group of black women and expect to get away unscathed. African Americans are familiar with the centuries of deeply imbedded hurts that has carried over from the past wrong doings committed against us. There’s no need to beat that long dead horse.

Newer still is the hurt that the sistas feel every time they see a successful super star brotha choosing to turn to our fairer skinned counterparts after we have helped them to achieve their stardom. Even more common is the number of women out there that have been abandoned by their men to face life alone when times got hard. Then these same black women have to deal with being ogled and even propositioned by men of other races only to be told that a public relationship would be out of the question because neither the families nor society would accept it. At times it seems like the black woman is the most hated creature on earth and she has the right to feel this way when faced with these common scenarios.

Now that we have everything out in the open, here is the twist. There are a lot of young, successful and beautiful young women out there that are sitting at home each night without a man of any kind at their side. Many of these women that would never have considered dating someone not of their own race are now taking a second look at the single man across from them with a different hair texture who may have never caught their attention in the past. More and more women are looking at the attributes of other races and disregarding the physical characteristics that are different from their own in favor of the deeper emotional gifts that a person may have to offer. After all, isn’t it true that we are all human and desire the same things? Isn’t this the mantra of any civil rights campaign that has ever existed, that every man woman and child regardless of color, sex or creed are all looking for equality, acceptance and respect. When we dig down to the deeper root of all things, we are all looking for security, companionship and love.

Maybe in this age of political correctness and diversity training, we all need to realize that people of all races, men and women could stand to learn something from each other. Speaking politically incorrectly, I must say that you are attracted to who you are attracted. If you like blondes with big boobs, you probably won’t be beating down the doors of the sista with the afro puffs walking in the park. And I know that when it comes to men, if you like his rich dark chocolate sexiness, you won’t be too anxious to chase down the Asian guy that lives one floor below you in your apartment building. It’s all about open mindedness. Maybe it’s time for me to realize that even though I haven ‘t had that famous luncheon meat with the red rind since my grade school days, it may be time to try “Something New”. After all, who wants to die alone waiting for a juvenile dream guy that may not exist?

All in all I stand by my love of that special dark semi sweet candy all day, every day. I’m not out shopping for cold cuts, and it may never happen but I have to keep my mind open. If someone different approaches to offer me up half of their sandwich, I may just need to reconsider.

That bologna on rye with a little spicy mustard may turn out to be pretty tasty.