Birthday Cake

The Men Are Right, Women Don't Know What They Want

I was at a friend's house listening to her happily describing the new love interest in her life. It was funny that she talked about how fine he was and how good her made her feel in one breath, only to hear her spout off the reasons why she shouldn't have even given him a chance in the next breath. I step into the kitchen and there, on the counter, I spot some homemade confection covered in rainbow sprinkles. I ask "Where'd you get this cake?" My mouth drops as she tells me how she baked it for her lover boy's birthday. That's somethng that you only do for "Yo Man". Now that just takes the cake…literally. We had just had numerous discussions about not jumping into relationships without thoroughly examining every angle from finances to commitment issues.

All of my single friends, whether divorced or never been married, have all discussed how the next time they fall in love it will be a rational decision with a little lust thrown in to make it keep it interesting. Now this woman, whom I would not call a regular Julia Child, is whipping up tasty treats in the kitchen for someone solely based on the fact that he makes her feel good. What happened to rational? Hey, I'm not a hater so what the heck. If this new love is doing things good enough to inspire Betty Crocker, who am I to knock it?

In my dating escapades, I ponder over what it is that I'm really looking for in a mate. What's going to be the magic ingredient that makes me say "This is the one"? I'm expecting a feeling like something taking over my body requiring an exorcist when really it could be something a little more subtle like heartburn. Will the decision be mostly ruled by my rational brain or will I be lead by my heart?

I know what I wish would happen. I want to be in my favorite restaraunt or coffee house and suddenly the finest guy with the most perfect smile will notice me from across the crowd. Our eyes would lock and harps would play. And as a shiny golden aura surrounds this form, a voice from above would boom loudly. "He is the one my child, Go forth and produce the fruit of your loins"… Oh Please, If only it were that easy, I could use a little help here.

I sprinted through my twenties tied up in two long relationships that ultimately landed me on the plot in single-ville that I now occupy. I was following my heart (and loins I'll admit) in both of those involvements. They weren't all bad. Anyone with an ounce of wisdom learns from every relationship, good and bad. But now as I trot along in my thirties, I am warring with myself every time I cross paths with someone new. I am now gun shy when it comes to love, when before, I was a trigger happy bandit willing to take chances. I'm hesitant about giving out my number in fear that I will regret it later because the guy is too annoying. I feel bad for not giving the cutie at the car wash my number because he was washing the cars, but then complain about how these corporate types tend to be arrogant assholes. Maybe I'm one of the women that men complain about all the time. You know, the ones that don't have a clue what they want in a man.

There's a guy that I met over a year ago that is perfect for me on paper. Our heads are in the same place, our finances are on the same page. He has a car, a house, a job, he cuts grass on the weekends and rides his motorcycle in his spare time. We have great conversation and similar senses of humor but the chemistry in the bedroom... hey it could be better. So he's still there in the fringes, being a friend. But I ask myself, isn't he everything I'm looking for? There are times that I think I may just be making excuses becasue I'm scared that it will fizzle into nothingness later. Can I really complain that there are no good men out there when I really do know a couple of really great guys, that I'm just not sure are right for me.

I look around me at what my other single female and male friends are doing, and see every scenario that you can imagine. One friend tells me that she is going to take a chance on love and let her online lover move in. Another associate said that she did not marry her baby's daddy because his credit was bad. One of my male buds that could be labeled a player, has decided to move one of his women in to share an apartment. All of these developments have made me ponder two things. What is it that I'm really looking for when it comes to love and am I willing to take the risk?

So, with a nudge from a friend, I have challenged myself to do a little exercise and I recommend that you, boys and girls, give it a try. Get a sheet of paper and write down the ten to twenty main things that you are looking for in a mate. Now this is the time to be really deep here and truly think about what the deal breakers are. Leave off all the shallow stuff like, he or she has to dress certain way, or drive a BMW unless it is indeed a deal breaker. Think hard about what traits you would want in a husband or wife for the next fifty years. Consider what kind of mother or father you would want to have for your children.

Here's part of my list:

1. Honest/ Integrity
   


2. Hardworking
   


3. Loyal
   


4. Good with money
   


5. Spritual
   


6. Close to family/ family oriented
   


7. Ambitious
   

Now after you have your list written, think of your past relationships or people that you have dated and put them to the test. How do they hold up? How many items were you able to check off for your last lover? My guess is that many of them won't even meet half of the things that you want and that is probably why you let them go. Or if they got a lot of check marks, circumstances kept you from making a long relationship happen. After you do this, think back through those past loves again and see if there are some things that need to be removed from your list or even added. I found that the list that I had in my head changed a little when I actually wrote it out and thought about the men in my life. Some of the things that I thought were so important didn't really seem to be so in the big scheme of things. Then again, after my last relationship I had to add a few that weren't there before.

When I looked at some of my past loves, I realized that it wasn't the type of job that they had or the amount of money that they made that lead to the end of the relationship. The culprit was the lack of one of those main ingredients that are important to me. If he's a hard worker or ambitious, then his job will probably be ok. If he has integrity then he probably won't always be trying to get something for nothing or use you to get what he wants. If he's close to his own family, he probably wants one of his own.

Of course there is no magic formula for anything. All types of circumstances and personal experiences color the judgements that we make. Sometimes we don't have the right person in our lives even when we know what we want because we aren't in the right place ourselves to be able to recognize that they are there. Or sometimes, we just have so much other drama going on that there is not room for Mr. or Mrs. right. I know that I have been there. So maybe it would be a good idea to look at your list and see if you can truly check those items off on the list for yourself. A little self reflection is always a step in the right direction.

I truly hope that I have prepared myself for what it is that I am looking for in a mate. I truly believe that I have come to a point in my life where I can get all of the check points on someones list. I hope that my past hurts wont keep my heart from making the leap when it's time.I hope that my heart and my rational brain can come together with a little bit of guidance and see the match for me when he crosses my path.

I can only dream that he will look and sound a lot like Ice Cube (the man of my dreams)...but that's just icing on the birthday cake.