Personal Pan Pizza for 5

What’s So Great About Monogamy?

All men cheat and I can see why. Now I have your attention. Some men will be upset because they haven’t cheated (or at least haven’t done it this year.) I have had my grandmother tell me that all dogs are going to chase the cat. One of my male friends says, with all seriousness, that all men will cheat if put in the right (or wrong) situation. But I can take the other side of this too. I know women that have cheated and are still cheating. They just haven’t been caught yet. So I won’t discriminate, men and women all over the world are getting some on the side.

Just look at the news. Men, you must admit, will do it no matter what the consequences are, no matter how much alimony they will have to pay (think Michael Jordan), no matter the risk to their own life (like Steve McNair), no matter that they can lose their position of power (think Bill Clinton or Gov. Eliot Spitzer), no matter that they are supposed to be looked upon as a spiritual leader (think Jessie Jackson). There is nothing that can defeat the power of the P. If more women would realize that, they wouldn’t be getting dogged out by these men in the first place.

I could list reasons why folks cheat all day long and not have a complete list. It could be for selfish reasons, physical pleasure being the main one. Some may argue that it’s all biological; we humans are programmed to always be on the hunt for the mate with best reproducing genes. “Hey, my husband’s genes are good, but he is looking much better in his jeans over there!” But I digress…

Are humans even meant to be monogamous in the first place? Some arguments will say man and woman are supposed to be one for one, joined by a covenant as it is in many religious codes. That being said, there are close to forty instances of polygamy documented in the bible. The book of Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:15–17) even details how you should handle your two wives and the first born. Technically, if you are married to all of the people you have sex with, is that infidelity?

Scientists say that humans are part of the animal kingdom and that mating for life isn’t natural. It was previously thought that some species, especially birds, practice monogamy but some genetic testing has proven that, though some animals such as penguins mate for a very long time, they still have sex outside the pairing. I guess those little penguins have a little more than just some “Happy feet”. Is this not the same case as with humans?

Social codes make multiple partners morally unacceptable, yet we all know someone that is cheating on a husband or wife and they aren’t getting stoned by a mob of angry do-gooders? Marriage is hard because it takes so much compromise and discipline to be successful. A huge percentage of marriages or relationships ended on the basis of infidelity. You are denying yourself of one of the most primal urges in your being, to express yourself and affection through the physical with other human beings. You are essentially beating the passion and joy out of two people by forcing them to only see each other naked for the next fifty years. The only thing that is better than sex with one person, is sex with a new person.

Monogamy could be a thing of nurture vs. nature. If you were raised in another culture, would it just seem natural to have more than one husband or wife without the societal stigma that has been bred into you to feel that this is wrong? If you were a different religion, would you have the jealousy and possessiveness that comes along with sharing partners? It would just be a part of the norm.

I was having drinks with a male associate of mine and we got onto the topic of polygamy. He made a good point, many of us are living with polygamous relationships anyway when our mates have a little something on the side. Why not have it out in the open where we can make a conscious decision to participate instead of lying and cheating all the time? He went on to tell me about some book about a polygamous tribe somewhere in Africa that practiced polyandry (women have multiple husbands.)

I gave this serious thought that night and it seemed like a great idea. I was getting ready to pack my bags, rent my house out and head to the Mother land to claim my five husbands. I’ve dreamed of all of the things that a husband could take care of for me, like car maintenance, lawn care, spider killing and most importantly, paying half of the mortgage. I haven’t even thought about love and sex and all that…but man, if I could have five husbands, look at the possibilities. Five incomes in one household and we could get us a mansion out in some Atlanta suburb and be balling out of control. Different exotic moves to try with each man and no one being upset. Financial freedom and less worries. It’s all a woman could dream of…big *sigh*.

Snap back to reality here. Five husbands and I would never get access to the remote control. We would always be watching ESPN and there would be dirty socks and stinky drawers all over the place. The worst of it is that my five hubbies would soon tire of being with only one woman. It would be like trying to share a personal pan pizza with five other people. Yeah, you could cut it up and small pieces so everyone could share, but everyone in that situation will leave the table hungry. This would lead to being concerned with five cheating husbands instead of one.

These open relationships seem like a proverbial horn of plenty, but what problems would it cause? Sexually transmitted diseases are already rampant, imagine if it were OK to be with as many men and women as you wanted to for the rest of your life. How many men could really keep up with the sexual demands of a harem of women without overdosing on those little blue pills? More than that, how many men could afford to house, feed, and clothe six wives and thirty two kids? We aren't in some third world country where you grow your own food. Imagine all the confusion it would create for the kids if they had to deal with five dads and five different parenting styles. And who’s to say you won’t really go to hell for having your open relationship?

Needless to say, I’m not looking for five husbands. It’s hard enough just finding one anyway. I think I will take my chances and hope for a monogamous relationship and not have to fight with my husband's other wives over quality time. I don’t think I’m ready to be a concubine just yet.

If I can make my personal pan pizza a supreme, filled with lots of exciting new toppings and tasty flavors, I think I can keep my man’s hunger satisfied. Hopefully he will bring enough to the table to keep me full and prevent me from looking for a slice someone else’s pizza.