Can you identify the dog in your life?
Over the years, I, just like any other single woman in the city, have gone on what feels like hundreds of dates. After running across all types of men, I had to think of what my grandma always told me. “All men are dogs.” You just have to find one whose poop you don’t mind scooping up and throwing away (I added that last part). With that being said, it’s like you have a buffet of dogs to choose from, the key is to recognize what dog you have in your midst. I have comprised a list to help you peg your man, and if you are a man and you fit one of the categories, just know that we now have your number.
The Red Hot Link- The Time Waster
This guy makes all appearances like he really wants to get with you. He calls you and sets up a date saying something like “Hey, do you wanna get together Thursday after work? Well let’s do that, I will call you when I get off and we will go from there.” Thursday comes and you wait for that call. Hours pass and then after 8pm , you have pop some popcorn and start watching reruns of ”Every body Loves Raymond.” At 9 your phone rings and its old dude calling and making conversation like nothing has happened. He says, my homeboy’s car broke down, or my cousin went to jail, or my kids had to go to emergency soccer practice and he figured that since he didn’t call, you knew what the deal was. But now he wants to know if you’re free Saturday when he’s sure he will have nothing to do…. And the cycle starts again. This will work for a while because he may actually show up for one date and charm your sox off with his fine ass. You will never actually date this guy because he’s hard to pin down... that is unless the date explicitly involves some sort of sex. Like southern style Red links, this guy may be totally hot, but if you are looking for a hubby in this time waster, you’re really wasting your own time.
The All Soy Protein Dog -The Oh So Committed- Commitment Phobe
This may be your baby’s daddy, your high school sweetheart, or your on again off again homie lover friend. Whatever you call this dog, you may not even recognize that’s who you are with. He is the chameleon of the bunch. The two of you have been shacked up for 12 years, raising kids. You have been on trips, have, credit in each other’s names, and have the same friends. As you approach the mid thirties and forties, you’re wondering when you’re going to stand in front of that preacher man. Yeah mama said "why buy the cow?" , but he’s bought the cow hasn’t he? He’s promised that he’s going to put a ring on it one day soon, and he may even propose if he thinks that will buy more time. You don’t want to lose him because he’s a good boyfriend, but he just can’t seem to take the next step. Old men say that it doesn’t take that long for a man to figure out if he wants to marry a woman, especially at 35 and up. Don’t bother with ultimatums unless you are prepared uphold your decision and walk away because this guy may just decide he doesn’t like your ultimatum and walk away first. On top of that, he will probably be married to someone else in 8 months. Like a soy hot dog, it looks real, it smells real, but when you taste it you find there’s just not any substance in this relationship. If you’re looking for a ring from this guy, the closest you may get is the one that he left in the bathtub.
Pig in a Blanket -The not so nice, Ugly “Mr. Nice Guy”
This is the guy that you hunt for after you’ve tried all of the other dogs in the buffet. You decide that maybe looks aren’t everything and maybe that facially challenged guy will treat you better. So, you go out with this ugg mugg for a few months and as you get to know him more, you realize something… He actually thinks he’s doing YOU a favor. You thought he would be safe because he’d be happy to be in you r beautiful presence. He should be kissing your pretty little feet in admiration, glad that you have smiled down on him. Guess what. You’re not the first woman to have this idea, so this guy is probably racking up. All of the women at his job confide in him about their man problems and say they wish their men were more like him. He preys on these vulnerable women when they are the weakest. He works hard, has a decent car, a decent home and he is such a freaking nice guy (not to mention there’s probably some rumor going around the office that he has a HUGE kielbasa). Like pig in a blanket, he’s just a dog that’s hidden in an ugly wrapping. If you are dating this dog hoping he’ll treat you with more respect than the average dog, you are barking up the wrong, ugly ass tree.
The plain old bun length Oscar Meyer Weiner- The perfect guy for you
This is the plain hot dog that we want at every cookout with nothing more than mustard and maybe ketchup. He’s actually not a dog at all. He’s really into you. He loves spending time with you. He’s worked through his personal issues, or never even had any. He has his head and life together and just needs you, a good woman, to complete the picture. He loves his mother, cares for the environment, hugs small children and animals and respects old people. He works hard so he can take care of home and he is more than willing to share everything he has with you. This guy may have been one of the other types of hot dogs at any point in his life when he was with another woman, but now he has settled down. He may not be too spicy, or covered with all kinds of elaborate toppings like some of the other dogs out there, but like a bun length wiener, he’s the perfect fit for you.
Over the years, I, just like any other single woman in the city, have gone on what feels like hundreds of dates. After running across all types of men, I had to think of what my grandma always told me. “All men are dogs.” You just have to find one whose poop you don’t mind scooping up and throwing away (I added that last part). With that being said, it’s like you have a buffet of dogs to choose from, the key is to recognize what dog you have in your midst. I have comprised a list to help you peg your man, and if you are a man and you fit one of the categories, just know that we now have your number.
The Red Hot Link- The Time Waster
This guy makes all appearances like he really wants to get with you. He calls you and sets up a date saying something like “Hey, do you wanna get together Thursday after work? Well let’s do that, I will call you when I get off and we will go from there.” Thursday comes and you wait for that call. Hours pass and then after 8pm , you have pop some popcorn and start watching reruns of ”Every body Loves Raymond.” At 9 your phone rings and its old dude calling and making conversation like nothing has happened. He says, my homeboy’s car broke down, or my cousin went to jail, or my kids had to go to emergency soccer practice and he figured that since he didn’t call, you knew what the deal was. But now he wants to know if you’re free Saturday when he’s sure he will have nothing to do…. And the cycle starts again. This will work for a while because he may actually show up for one date and charm your sox off with his fine ass. You will never actually date this guy because he’s hard to pin down... that is unless the date explicitly involves some sort of sex. Like southern style Red links, this guy may be totally hot, but if you are looking for a hubby in this time waster, you’re really wasting your own time.
The All Soy Protein Dog -The Oh So Committed- Commitment Phobe
This may be your baby’s daddy, your high school sweetheart, or your on again off again homie lover friend. Whatever you call this dog, you may not even recognize that’s who you are with. He is the chameleon of the bunch. The two of you have been shacked up for 12 years, raising kids. You have been on trips, have, credit in each other’s names, and have the same friends. As you approach the mid thirties and forties, you’re wondering when you’re going to stand in front of that preacher man. Yeah mama said "why buy the cow?" , but he’s bought the cow hasn’t he? He’s promised that he’s going to put a ring on it one day soon, and he may even propose if he thinks that will buy more time. You don’t want to lose him because he’s a good boyfriend, but he just can’t seem to take the next step. Old men say that it doesn’t take that long for a man to figure out if he wants to marry a woman, especially at 35 and up. Don’t bother with ultimatums unless you are prepared uphold your decision and walk away because this guy may just decide he doesn’t like your ultimatum and walk away first. On top of that, he will probably be married to someone else in 8 months. Like a soy hot dog, it looks real, it smells real, but when you taste it you find there’s just not any substance in this relationship. If you’re looking for a ring from this guy, the closest you may get is the one that he left in the bathtub.
Pig in a Blanket -The not so nice, Ugly “Mr. Nice Guy”
This is the guy that you hunt for after you’ve tried all of the other dogs in the buffet. You decide that maybe looks aren’t everything and maybe that facially challenged guy will treat you better. So, you go out with this ugg mugg for a few months and as you get to know him more, you realize something… He actually thinks he’s doing YOU a favor. You thought he would be safe because he’d be happy to be in you r beautiful presence. He should be kissing your pretty little feet in admiration, glad that you have smiled down on him. Guess what. You’re not the first woman to have this idea, so this guy is probably racking up. All of the women at his job confide in him about their man problems and say they wish their men were more like him. He preys on these vulnerable women when they are the weakest. He works hard, has a decent car, a decent home and he is such a freaking nice guy (not to mention there’s probably some rumor going around the office that he has a HUGE kielbasa). Like pig in a blanket, he’s just a dog that’s hidden in an ugly wrapping. If you are dating this dog hoping he’ll treat you with more respect than the average dog, you are barking up the wrong, ugly ass tree.
The plain old bun length Oscar Meyer Weiner- The perfect guy for you
This is the plain hot dog that we want at every cookout with nothing more than mustard and maybe ketchup. He’s actually not a dog at all. He’s really into you. He loves spending time with you. He’s worked through his personal issues, or never even had any. He has his head and life together and just needs you, a good woman, to complete the picture. He loves his mother, cares for the environment, hugs small children and animals and respects old people. He works hard so he can take care of home and he is more than willing to share everything he has with you. This guy may have been one of the other types of hot dogs at any point in his life when he was with another woman, but now he has settled down. He may not be too spicy, or covered with all kinds of elaborate toppings like some of the other dogs out there, but like a bun length wiener, he’s the perfect fit for you.
Dogs come in all shapes and sizes. Just keep your eyes open when you go to the buffet and realize that what you need in your life is the simple hot dog that satifies. Don't get blinded by all of the fancy toppings.
To be continued… Read part two next month and discover what kind of woman you are.
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2 comments:
Another Great Post Lolah. The soyprotein was too funny. www.keirchapplephoto.com
Thanks Keir, I have a few others I can write about, you don't understand what we women have to deal with lol.
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