Chicken Salad

Are You A Fixer?

These days I feel like I'm the princess in a fairy tale. Yes, this sounds incredibly sweet but I'm not talking about Cinderella or even Sleeping Beauty. I'm really identifying with the newest little African American Princess that's running around kissing frogs hoping that one of them will magically turn into a prince. Men consistently complain that women try to change them into something that they are not. They wonder why, when these fairy tale images have been indoctrinated in us since our mothers read us bed time stories. It's hard out here for a single woman like me. In a world of men that will never be worthy of a crown, we're condemned If we decide to take that frog and attempt to make him into a dream man. We're equally condemned for not settling and waiting on the well deserved prince.

Here's my problem. I'm a natural fixer. If I lost you with that term, then let me break it down. A fixer is someone that sees a man as a science project. I have a tendency to want to take a man that's down on his luck and show him that he can be all that he can be, I'm better than the U.S. Army. My speech sounds a little like this "Don't bitch about the thing that happened to you, let's get in there and make a plan on how we are going to fix it. Don't talk about it, be about it. Let's call the right person, visit the right office, enroll you in the right classes, fill out the right application. WE can change your life and I'm going to help you every step of the way!"… You get the picture. 

There's no harm done if it weren't for the disappointment that ensues after that man fails to become person that I want him to be. To top that, the man feels small because he can't handle the pressure and failure when he can't live up to my expectations. Many of you can identify with me here. Even some of you men know what I'm talking about, you may be familiar with the term "Captain Sav-A-Ho" We meet a person with the physical characteristics, sex drive, job, finances, car house, etc. that we desire and try to build a mate out of that person based on one shallow dimension.

We exhaust ourselves finding jobs, building credit, doing makeovers and smoothing out personality flaws only to wake up one morning to find that one of two things has happened. Either that person has reverted back to their pre-remodel self, or, with their newly discovered confidence in place they have decided that you are no longer good enough for them and have moved on to the next one. You've done all of this work to build a perfect mate, and it was all for the next man or woman to reap the benefits. It stings when you realize that you wanted them to change more they did. It all boils down to simple words of wisdom that a grimy but very intelligent guy from Detroit once told me. "You can't change chicken shit into chicken salad."

I'm not saying that people can't or won't change. I just now fully understand that change won't happen no matter how hard you push, plead, prod or bribe an individual. They won't do it because of what the neighbors think, or because you love them so much, or because society has said they should. A person will not change unless it's in their own heart to do so. When I meet a guy I still tend to want to look at his potential, but he already needs to be moving, growing and working on fixing himself. 

  If you are a fixer like me, I will give you some advice. Take all of that energy you have and work on making yourself into a better person. Go back to school, get a new job, do that thing that you have always wanted to try. Be your own science project. The rewards will be much more satisfying. As for me, I'm going to offer my help to those that need it. I will find some kids to mentor or become a motivational speaker, or hey, maybe I can share my experiences with the world in a blog. Whatever I do, I'm leaving the making of the chicken salad up to my local deli and keeping my lips off the frogs.