Conversation Hearts

What's In A Title?

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone and you still see Valentine's candy next to those big 75% off signs. It's the best time to load up on your favorite sweets. So I'm at a co workers desk the other day and she had this huge bag of conversation hearts. You know, the ones that have all of the little saying on them like "be mine", and "it's love". Of all of the good chocolate candy kisses and M&M's on clearance, who goes and buys those dry powdery tasting little hearts? But as I contemplated the phrases on the candies, a thought occurred to me. How easy would it be if you could just hand out a little two word phrase on a piece of candy to let a person know how you feel? 

It would be just like third grade where you could just hand out the candy that says "Be Mine" along with the note with the check boxes. Do you like me? He checks yes and boom, the deal's sealed. You are boyfriend and girlfriend. You sit by each other at lunch, sneak a kiss on the playground, and then he puts glue in your hair. There is no game playing here. Can it be that it was all so simple then?

I've been in a group and a guy would introduce his female companion as his "friend". I saw that slight uncomfortable look on her face that told me that she wished they were more than friends. She probably thought that she had earned girlfriend status. I've introduced a guy that I was madly in love with as my "friend" because I didn't know where stood. I so desperately wanted to be his "lady', or "girlfriend', or "boo"… Anything that said I was more than just his cut buddy.

An interesting thing has happened though. I have come to understand why so many men have the trouble with titles. In the three years since I've been someone's girlfriend, I have come to ask the question "What's in a title?" I have gained a new appreciation for true dating. There's such freedom in being able to go out with (not have sex with) three or four guys at a time and not be cheating on any of them because you're just kicking it. Both parties can do what they want, and that's the beauty of leaving your options open and not having titles. Hey men, I get it and I ain't mad at ya. Most guys say that it's the women that want to rush to put titles on the relationship. Well I now agree with you. Why claim anyone? Keep your extra curricular activities to yourself and everyone will be happy.
 
So, I'm out here being my happy go lucky non committal self. My dates ask me what I want and I quickly tell them that I want to settle down one day, but I'm in no rush to get into a relationship. And I mean it, I'm not. I'm not sprinting to the altar, because believe me honey; sometimes the thought of marriage scares the shit out of me. I don't know anybody that's happily married. Yeah, I want kids, but they have donors and turkey basters for that.

Then guess what happens next? I meet this guy. We're "kicking it", "dating", being "friends". When he asks me what I want, and I give my little non committal speech… and he looks at me like I'm a complete nut. Then as a little more time goes on he says, "I want you to be my girlfriend." And my heart starts beating fast, and little beads of sweat pop up on my top lip and I'm ready to turn tail and jet off like the runaway bride or something. I'm terrified of settling down, or that I will miss out on something better, or that I will get bored with the same old sex. OMG, I have turned into a dude! Then as a little time goes on and me and old boy kick it and grow even closer, I see that look in his eyes. The one that questions why I'm still not claiming him, wondering if there's someone else, or if I don't think he's good enough.

The thing is, I'm no longer dating anyone else, I don't think anything better will come along, and the sex is well…most definitely not boring. So what is it besides plain old fear? It's so much harder to be a girlfriend than it is to be a "friend with benefits" because girlfriends get cheated on, abandoned and hurt. Wow, I think I just discovered a little of my own baggage. So I decide to have a heart to heart conversation and ask him if titles are important? His answer was "Hell yeah. I want to be able to introduce you to my mama as my girlfriend. I'm old school, maybe these new school guys don't want to claim their woman, but I want people to know you're mine." Well damn, how can I argue with that? I guess when you get right down to it, it's about growing up , knowing what you want, not worrying that something better will come along, and facing the fear. You figure out that it's ok to love and when it's someone you truly want, the title is ok.

Really, the title isn't important. Not until you realize that you are in relationship denial and the person that you care about the most just wants to know that you belong to each other. So from a woman that's been on both sides, take a chance. Maybe it can be just as simple as third grade. Check the yes box and tell him or her they're yours. I'm sure that's all the conversation their heart will need to hear.